Jokes for Adults

Are you an adult? You’d better be. Otherwise, close the page now.
Curiosity makes us go forward and develop our intelligence. That’s not to say the images on this page will make you any smarter, but they may offer you some material you can use in a variety of ways.

We have picked some adult jokes for you to use. But, here’s a warning: Only use them in an appropriate setting where no one will be offended. Don’t use them at work or around children. Otherwise, have some fun:

Good Jokes for Adults

Here are some adult jokes you can use with the right partner. Funny can be good:

  • What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women wild? A $100 bill.
  • What’s the difference between the G-spot and a golf ball? A guy will search for a golf ball.
  • What’s the difference between a woman and a computer? Computers don’t laugh at 3.5″ floppies.
  • What’s the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
  • My midget friend got thrown out of the nudist colony because he kept getting in everyone’s hair.
  • Life without women would be a pain in the butt, literally.
  • Who’s the biggest hoe in history?
    Ms. Pac-man, because for 25 cents she swallows balls until she dies.

Online Jokes for Adults

Here’s a bunch of punny jokes we found online that we liked. Hope you do, too:

  • What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds? There are twenty of them.
  • What do you call a lesbian dinosaur? Lick-a-lotta-puss.
  • What’s the difference between anal and oral sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
  • I took a poop in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole new level.
  • If you want to find out who loves you more, stick your wife and dog in the trunk of your car for an hour. When you open the trunk, who is happy to see you?
  • What’s even better than winning the Special Olympics? Not being a retard.
  • What does a 75-year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t? Her navel.

Hilarious Jokes for Adults

Here come the longer funny jokes! Be careful, with them:

  • Three guys go on a ski trip together. When they get to the ski lodge there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, “Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job.” The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up and says that he’s had the same dream, too. The guy in the middle says, “Wow that’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing.”
  • A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry. That was an insect.” To which one of the boys replies, “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!”
  • If a woman sleeps with 10 men she’s a slut, but if a man does it… He’s gay, definitely gay.
  • I was masturbating today and my hand fell asleep – that’s got to be the ultimate rejection.
  • Q: What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
    A: Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
  • What’s the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?
    The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.
  • What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom? Condoms have evolved: they’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

Goofy Jokes for Adults

Keep several of these classic old phrases on hand:

  • Reporter: “Excuse me, may I interview you?”
    Man: “Yes!”
    Reporter: “Name?”
    Man: “Abdul Al-Rhazim.”
    Reporter: “Sex?”
    Man: “Three to five times a week.”
    Reporter: “No, no! I mean male or female?”
    Man: “Yes, male, female… sometimes camel.”
    Reporter: “Holy cow!”
    Man: “Yes, cow, sheep… animals in general.”
    Reporter: “But isn’t that hostile?”
    Man: “Yes, horse style, dog style, any style.”
    Reporter: “Oh dear!”
    Man: “No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch.”
  • In the morning Tom calls to his boss:
    – Good morning, boss, unfortunately, I’m not coming to work today. I’m really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I’m not coming into work.”
    The boss replies:
    – You know Tom; I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
    2 hours later Bob calls:
    – Boss, I followed your advice, and I feel great! I’ll be at work soon. By the way, you got a nice house.
  • How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it comes from.
  • Why did the cowboy get a wiener dog? He wanted to get a long little doggie.
  • What do a guy and a car have in common? They both have an ability to misfire.
  • What do you call the useless piece of skin on a willy? The man.

Humorous Jokes for Adults

There are so many jokes about dicks that we couldn’t add them all to this list. Be careful to whom you send these. Hey, just warning you:

  • What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
  • What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick? The man.
  • What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? She choked.
  • A man is being arrested by a female police officer, who informs him, “Anything you say can and will be held against you.” The man replies, “Boobs!”
  • A 6.9 is a good thing screwed up by a period.
  • What’s another name for a vagina? The box a penis comes in.
  • What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny? Where you put the cucumber.

Hysterical Jokes for Adults

OK, let’s be funny. Hey, we laughed.

  • Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up… If you’re not in prison.
  • What’s the difference between your job and a dead hooker? Your job still sucks.
  • What’s long and hard and full of semen? A submarine.
  • How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? Once you open it, you realize it’s half-empty.
  • What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between you and me, something smells.
  • What is the square root of 69? Ate something.

Adult Humor Jokes

These lolable jokes should only be told among those who will accept your weird sense of humor:

  • Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.
  • Girl: “Hey, what’s up?” Boy: “If I tell you, will you sit on it?”
  • What did the leper say to the prostitute? Keep the tip.
  • What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face? Finding out it was traced.
  • You know you’ve got a high sperm count when she has to chew before she swallows.
  • What’s warm, wet, and pink? A pig in a hot tub.
  • How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? By the taste.

Nasty Jokes for Grown Ups

Check out these nasty jokes:

  • Why did God give men penises? So they’d have at least one way to shut a woman up.
  • How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up as an altar boy.
  • Why do vegetarians give good head? Because they’re used to eating nuts.
  • What do the Mafia and pussies have in common? One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep sh*t.
  • Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent!
  • What’s the difference between a penis and a bonus? Your wife will always blow your bonus!
  • Three nuns are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by. The first nun had a stroke, the second nun had a stroke, the third nun couldn’t reach.

Dirty Knock Knock Jokes

Who’s there? Oh, no. Nasty knock-knock jokes:

  • Knock Knock! Who’s there? Fuck you said. Fuck you said who? Me!
  • Knock Knock! Who’s there? Sucka. Sucka who? Sucka dick and let me in.
  • Knock Knock Who’s there? Waiter! Waiter Who? Waiter if I get my hands on you!
  • Knock Knock. Who’s There? To. To Who? It’s To Whom.
  • Knock Knock! Who’s there? Ivana. Ivana who? Ivana fuck your brains out.
  • Knock knock. Who’s there? Robin. Robin who? Robin you, now hand over the cash.
  • Knock knock. Who’s there? Cereal. Cereal who? Cereal pleasure to meet you!
  • Knock Knock! Who’s there? King Henry the Second. King Henry the Second who? King Henry, the second the queen leaves, we’ll bring in the strippers!

Funny Adult Puns

We give some joke weapons to outdo your buddies:

  • What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check? Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
  • How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips? As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
  • If sex is a pain in the ass, then you’re doing it wrong …
  • If a dove is the bird of peace, then is a swallow the bird of love?
  • How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call and tell her about it.
  • Why are Penises the lightest things in the world? Even thoughts can raise them.
  • What’s the best part about gardening? Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

Funny Jokes for Adults

Puns that start with questions are fun.

  • What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
  • Why having fun with a prostitute is like a bungee jumping? You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
  • Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack? He only comes once a year.
  • What’s red and moves up and down? A tomato in an elevator.
  • What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic? Halfway.
  • How did the mathematician deal with his constipation? He worked it out with a pencil.
  • If a man talks dirty to a woman, that’s sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man, that’ll be $6.50 a minute.
  • Men are like public toilets – the good ones are taken and the rest are full of crap.

Funny Dirty Jokes for Adults

Children interpret everything they hear their way. But sometimes they even outdo us adults.

  • A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have! The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
  • A boy says to a girl, “So, sex at my place?” “Yeah!” “Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we’re making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?” Later on, the girl is yelling, “Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!” The younger brother says, “Stop making sandwiches! You’re getting mayo all over my bed!”
  • Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”
  • What did the penis say to the vagina?  Don’t make me come in there!
  • Why is being in the military like a blow-job? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
  • What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

Amazing Jokes for Adults

We have some cool puns to add to your collection:

  • How is life like a penis? Your girlfriend makes it hard.
  • What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
  • What do boobs and toys have in common? They were both originally made for kids, but daddies end up playing with them.
  • An atheist, a Crossfitter, and a vegan walk into a bar. I know because they told me.
  • What’s the best thing about dating homeless chicks? You can drop them off anywhere.
  • The difference between kinky and perverted is the difference between using a feather, and using the rest of the bird.
  • I don’t think it’s possible for me to become a sniper. Not by a long shot.

Party Jokes for Adults

Party time always gives us a reason to laugh. You can try being the life of the party with one of these:

  • I love every bone in your body, especially mine.
  • What do you call ball’s on your chin?  A dick in your mouth!
  • What did the banana say to the vibrator? Why are YOU shaking? She’s going to eat me!
  • What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common? The more you play with it, the harder it gets.
  • What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? Hold onto your nuts, this ain’t no ordinary blowjob.
  • As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
  • A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are in an elevator. They all are standing there awkwardly until one of them spots a stain on the carpet. The redhead says “it looks like cum”. The brunette smells it and says “it smells like cum”. The blonde goes and licks it and says ” nobody in this building”.

Great Grown Up Jokes

Be careful joking with women. However, if you are sure about yourself and her reaction, try one of these:

  • I went out dressed like a chicken last night and I met a girl who was dressed like an egg. One thing led to another and the lifelong question was answered: it was the chicken.
  • Why do women have orgasms? Just another reason to moan, really.
  • Owls always look like they just saw a penis for the first time.
  • My gay friend got fired from the sperm bank because they caught him drinking on the job.
  • What’s a adult actress’ favorite drink?  7 Up in cider.
  • What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? A trip without kids.
  • What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

Best Silly Adult Jokes

There are a lot of stupid jokes among good ones. Well…

  • What did the O say to the Q? Dude, your dick’s hanging out.
  • A man goes to the doctor and says “I’ve got a problem, I have 5 penises.”
    The doctor says “Wow, how do your pants fit?”
    He replies, “Like a glove.”
  • What do you call a guy with a small dick? Just-in.
  • How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
  • How do you eat a squirrel? You spread its little legs.
  • Making love to a woman is like playing the violin. I don’t know how to do it.
  • Why are women like KFC? After you’ve finished with the thigh and breasts, all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Extremely Funny Jokes for Adults

We suppose you belong to those daredevils. You would not use any of these if you weren’t:

  • What do you call a deaf gynecologist? A lip reader.
  • Wife comes back from the doctor and says to her husband:
    – Honey, I have a sad news – a gynecologist told me not have sex for three weeks…
    Husband:
    – And what the dentist said?
  • The speed limit of sex is 68, because at 69 you have to turn around.
  • How is life like a penis? Your girlfriend makes it hard.
  • What did the O say to the Q? Dude, your dick’s hanging out.
  • Why was the guitar teacher arrested? For fingering a minor.
  • What do you call a nun in a wheelchair? Virgin Mobile

Joke of The Day For Adults

Use one of these to pull out a laugh:

  • What’s another name for a vagina? The box a penis comes in.
  • Boy: “Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind, it’s too long.”
    Girl: “Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind, you won’t get it.”
  • Two goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, “You know how to drive this thing?!”
  • What do you call a teenage girl who doesn’t masturbate? A liar.
  • Kid 1: “Hey, I bet you’re still a virgin.”
    Kid 2: “Yeah, I was a virgin until last night .”
    Kid 1: “As if.”
    Kid 2: “Yeah, just ask your sister.”
    Kid 1: “I don’t have a sister.”
    Kid 2: “You will in about nine months.”
  • When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “You did this.”
  • The difference between “Ooooooh” and “Aaaaaah” is about three inches.

Short Dirty Jokes

Here are some one-liners you can use:

  • Sex without condoms is magical… A baby appears and father disappears.
  • Why do vegans give better head? They’re used to eating nuts.
  • How is sex like a game of bridge? If you have a great hand, you don’t need a partner
  • What do you call a herd of cows masturbating? Beef strokin’ off.
  • What do you call a virgin lying on a waterbed? A cherry float.
  • What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
  • What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.

Silly Jokes for Adults

Well, these joke are silly, but still funny:

  • How did you quit smoking? I decided to start smoking only after sex.
  • I’m not sure how I feel about masturbation… On the one hand, it’s pretty great.
  • I hope Death is a woman. That way it will never come for me.
  • What’s the difference between attraction, love and showing off? Spit, swallow, gargle.
  • Did you hear about the depressed plumber? He’s been going through some shit.
  • If you don’t believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.
  • What’s 72? 69 with three people watching.

Funny Dirty Sex Jokes

Jokes about sex are eternal. Have fun with some of these. Just be careful:

  • Three words to ruin a man’s ego…? “Is it in?”
  • What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
  • I’m not sure how I feel about masturbation… On the one hand, it’s pretty great.
  • Why aren’t koalas actual bears? The don’t meet the koalafications.
  • What’s long, hard and erects stuff? A crane!
  • Losing my virginity was a lot like how I learned to ride a bike. My Dad had a firm grip on my shoulders.

Cool Jokes for Adults

You can send some of these memes as a message to the right person:

  • She gave me an Australian kiss. It’s the same as a French kiss, but down under.
  • I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay; she said she didn’t have time.
  • What do you call an expert fisherman? A Master Baiter
  • How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his Whopper.
  • What did the one lesbian vampire say to the other? … See you next month